On Preferences

Photo by Dimmis Vart on Unsplash.

Little Mind: Oh Big Mind, I’ve been thinking about preferences…

Big Mind: Preferences? What about them?

LM: Well, for so many years, I believed I had to have an opinion about everything. Like it was my duty to choose sides, to have preferences. But lately… I’m not so sure anymore.

BM: How so?

LM: I’m starting to wonder if always having an opinion is really helping me. Maybe it’s not the most pleasant — or even the most effective — way to live.

For a long time, I kept hearing these voices — voices I trusted — that said, “You need to know what you like. You need to know what you don’t.” It was like having someone point a finger at me, insisting: “You must have an opinion.”

BM: Go on.

LM: I think I built this belief that having an opinion was important, especially at work. Like it would make me seem like the expert. Like I knew what I was doing.

BM: So having an opinion made you feel more confident?

LM: Well… I thought it would make others see me as confident. But now that you say it, I’m not sure it actually made me feel confident on the inside.

Even in casual conversations with colleagues or friends… someone would mention a restaurant, or a movie, and everyone had a clear opinion. “It was great,” or “It wasn’t worth it.” And I noticed myself doing the same — having to say something, to sound certain. It made me feel, I don’t know… more grown up.

BM: And now you’re questioning that?

LM: Yeah. Because the truth is, I can form an opinion about things — this is good, this is bad, I like this, I don’t like that. But honestly? It can turn into a struggle. A kind of suffering.

BM: In what way?

LM: Take the world around me. If something happens that matches what I call good, I’m happy. But if it doesn’t — if things go against what I prefer — I get upset. Frustrated. Sad.

BM: Like… you get the job you wanted, or receive a tax refund. You’re happy. But if someone rejects you, or you end up paying twice as much for dinner as you expected — you’re upset.

LM: Exactly.

And even in conversations, it happens. Someone shares a strong opinion — about a Netflix series, a movie, even a political party. If I loved it, and they didn’t, I hesitate. I don’t want to get into a debate. But at the same time, I catch myself thinking about how to argue my point. How to convince them I’m right.

BM: I see. And what do you think would happen if you didn’t have to label things as good or bad?

LM: Is that even possible?

BM: Try it.

LM: But aren’t some things just… bad? Like, if someone steals something, or hurts someone else — isn’t that wrong?

BM: That’s a deep question. It opens a door to talk about morals, universal laws… how everything is interconnected, and how things happen for a reason. Universal order.

LM: Whew… I’m not sure I’m ready for all that.

BM: That’s okay. Let’s keep it simple. What could be possible for you if you didn’t hold so tightly to your preferences?

LM: Maybe… I wouldn’t need to have an opinion about everything. And I’d be okay with that. Maybe I could even let go of some preferences and just see what happens.

BM: What do you think might happen?

LM: Maybe I’d feel more open. Lighter. Less afraid.

BM: Less afraid?

LM: Yeah. When I don’t want something to happen, I worry about it. I get anxious. But if I’m not so attached to a certain outcome, I think I’d feel calmer.

BM: So by letting go of wanting things to be a certain way, you’re also letting go of fear. Even if something you didn’t want happens, you’ve saved yourself the energy of fighting it.

LM: Yes. And it works the other way too.

BM: When you want something to happen?

LM: Right. If I want something badly and it doesn’t happen, I get disappointed. But if I can let go of the attachment, I can be grateful when things come my way… and fine when they don’t.

BM: That sounds peaceful. Do you want to give it a try?

LM: I think I do.

“When all is said and done, we are all just walking each other home.”

-Ram Dass